Saturday, October 30, 2010

Fierce Competition

Why does life seem like one big competition? I don't know what the deal is lately but I feel like I am in a competition and losing. Whether it be work or parenting or wifing (is that even a word? But I figure if I add -ing it makes it real!).

At work it feels like I am on a giant hamster wheel and even though I try really hard I am not getting anywhere. And I know the feeling is mutual with other employees. And there is nowhere to go. There are not really jobs in the area that I feel would give me the same benefits I am currently receiving. The pay might be the same but I have 3 weeks of vacation accrued and I can carry my sick leave over from year to year so I have quite a bit of that accrued as well. So even though there is not a lot of satisfaction (currently) at my job I don't want to leave. So I guess that is more of an internal competition with my mind!

As for the parenting I know it shouldn't be a competition but it always will be. Sometimes it's the competition between me and other people. People that shouldn't matter. But I read about the things they are doing with their kids and I think I wish I could do that. Or I should be doing that with Leo. Or I wish I could get that for Leo. Even though I know that I do a lot of with Leo and he has more than enough STUFF. And then I have the thoughts of competition of parenting with the hubs. I know I do more things with Leo than he does and that is fine. My work schedule is more accommodating to allow me the time to get home and still have the energy to take Leo places. But the time they spend together seems like Leo is getting so much more out of it. And he seems to enjoy that even more. And it's like...hello?! I'm the one that is almost always doing stuff with you. Why are you wanting to spend time with him? But then I'm sure it's because I spend a lot of time with him and so he wants to spend even more time with his dad. And again...I complain about him and his dad not doing enough together so why do I even care?! But that's just my brand of crazy coming out!

And then finally the competition for being a wife. I talk to other people that are married and it seems like the spark is alive in each one of them. And even though I don't think our spark has been lost I sometimes wish that it was brighter. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but it's like when you watch a movie or a TV show and you see someone kissing passionately...even though I think it's really dorky I want that. But only sometimes...because I'm picky! I don't want that all the time. That would be annoying. Haha! But at the same time I know I need to be better at making an effort. Not walking in the door and changing into sweat pants and a tank top. Or not being crabby and naggy about stupid stuff. But then if I change I want something in return. And them sometimes the girls talk about sex. And even though I definitely do not talk about sex...hello...I'm blushing just typing this! But sometimes I want to think about my sex life and blush while they are talking about theirs and I think to myself, "lalalalalala I can't hear you!" (what?! I'm a prude!)

Lots of competition and most of it is self-inflicted but seriously who doesn't think about stuff like this? I just need to find the balance in my mind to know that I am doing (pretty much) the best of my ability and of course acknowledge the places and things I can work on to make the internal stife fall by the wayside!

1 comment:

cbs111 said...

I feel ya! We all compete even if the other person doesn't know they are playing the game. I think it's a natural part of life.

Hang in there, hopefully it'll settle down soon.